We are family

Today, my sister and I were over at my Dads, sharing a visit, some coffee and life's coming and goings. Conversation was light, fun and comfortable. It was a product of knowing each other from the very beginning. Before we knew anything about who we were, we were sisters and daughters together. At one point, my sister came up behind me, stuck her arms around me from the back and tried to snitch some cookies, pretending her hands were mine. It was a fun and childlike moment. but what I also noticed for a moment, was how good it felt to be embraced by those arms. I belong to her and she to me. God made us to be together.
     This is the season to gather with family. For many that becomes a very conflicted time.Sometimes it joyous and sometimes it's difficult and somtimes it's down right awful. After all, we often choose our friends based on similar interests, likes etc. but our family members are chosen for us, and we often marvel that we came from the same parents. After all, how could  people who grew up in the same place be so different?
My siblings and I are all such different people, personalities and interests. Our lives have taken us in such different directions. There are times when the externals make it seem like we have nothing in common. But today when my sister hugged me, it felt good right down to my toes, when my brother laughs it makes me feel so happy and young again, and when I held my sisters hands in grief at their childrens funerals, I knew I was exactly where God wanted me to be. It feels good, on a deep level.
     As we gather this week, I hope that for the most part, we all will be able to rejoice and enjoy the families God has given us. The older I get, the more I realize how really rich those relationships are and what a wonderful gift they are. I am known and belong in a most special way. The world is right in a profound way, when it is right with your family.
    So despite the crazy hecticness of it all, I'm really looking forward to all those hugs, kisses, inside jokes, lots of food, tired babies, awkward nieces and nephews, overbooked schedules and messiness that is Christmas. Bring it on.  Merry Christmas everyone, and thank you God.

Giving Thanks

On Wednesday, after several days of preparations for the holidays and guests, I layed on my couch, so tired I didn't know how I was going to get through the next several days. So I began to pray, that God would restore me and strengthen me for the coming days. I also spent time  giving thanks, for I had just read that it was the best way to put us close and in touch with the Father. Well after a bit of rest, I got back up and resumed my activities. I also proceeded to forget the requests that I had just made to God.
My sister, neice and her two children arrived on Wednesday evening and we enjoyed catching up and a nice dinner together. I finished some Thanksgiving preparations, table setting, turkey stuffing, etc.. and then finished up the day, instructing my hubby Ed to set the alarm the next morning so I could put the turkey in.The next morning I woke up even before the alarm went off and had some time to be with God before the hecticness of the day began. I remember thinking," nothing like a good nights sleep to restore a person". I fixed breakfast for my guests and enjoyed relaxing and chatting with my sister over a warm cup of coffee. Then I went  back to work for the "big Dinner".
Well the day and the dinner went on without a hitch. Food was delicious, family was enjoyed, good conversation and laughter ensued. During the course of the day I recieved several comments about being such a calm and collected hostess. Any woman who hosts Thanksgiving knows, that is not easy to pull off.
The next day, after sending off my house guests, the Lord sent me an Angel both literally and figuratively. I had to get right to decorating my house for Christmas, because the following weekend was the office Christmas party at my place. Even though my daughter Angel is extremely busy with her own family and has her own very extensive "to do" list, she so graciously agreed to come over and help me decorate. Not only was her help  appreciated, but it adds extra joy and fun to the experience. Last night, I sat with the house all decorated, hardly able to believe that a job that seemed overwhelming was once again all done and looking beautiful.
Well this morning I woke up all bright eyed and bushytailed at 5am. After checking the time, I layed there thinking "surely I'll fall back asleep, this is way to early to get up". But oh no, I was wide awake and feeling very energetic. And it was then and there in the dark that I remembered the prayer I had offered to God in my exhaustion on Wednesday. I also realized how often I do this, ask God for something, but then fail to look for his provision.And I smiled in the dark as I realized that God not only heard my prayer, but gave me more than I asked for. I had just wanted enough energy to survive and he gave me abundant energy. I laughingly told my husband he was answering my prayer a little too abundantly. And so I give thanks with a grateful heart for so many things, but also because God cares for us so specifically and reminds me he cares about everything in my life.
She is clothed with strenth and dignity, she can laugh at the days to come. Proverbs:31:25

Now to Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine....to Him be glory....forever and ever! Ephesians 3:20

I just got back from one of those multi-generational vacations. My husband and I, are children, their spouses and our grandchildren. Sixteen of us under one roof, for eight fabulous days. As I drove home, the memories washed over me, like the waves of the great lakes that we had experienced all week, bringing a sense of inner peace, wonderful complete contentment and joy wrapped with incredible gratitude. I loved the sense that I was experiencing a gift that was bigger than the sum total of all the parts. Being surrounded each day by beauty, love, laughter, and sharing. I loved that for a week, I truly entered into a rest of sorts, free from the sorrows and struggles of everyday life and just rejoiced in God's blessings. It was more than I deserved and I receive it as a gift from my Father above, who gives so generously and abundantly. Thank you God above for beauty that takes my breath away, for the grandchildren who delight me beyond measure, for seeing my children grow up to be more lovely than I could have imagined, for my faithful and loving husband of 37 years who I can share my joy with, and for 3 great son in laws who are strong and true.

Summer moment

Today, as I was pondering resurrection and it's trans formative power, I noticed out the window a beautiful butterfly flitting around my garden. I stopped to look at it for a few moments. My first thought is "Maybe it's a sign, butterflies kind of symbolize new life" and I asked God if he wanted to show me something. My second thought was to run and get my camera, because that's what I do. I love trying to capture beautiful moments, as if somehow I could hold on to their preciousness this way. The problem with that is, a) the picture rarely captures it as beautiful as I am experiencing it, and b) often the moment is lost, as I go get the camera. So I felt as if God whispered, "just watch, and enjoy it" And so I did. The moment was beautiful, and that was enough. And isn't that why we love summer so much? Those quiet, beautiful little moments of creation, that feels like God bringing us a prettily wrapped package just from him. It was nice.

I don't get to do it "MY WAY" and that's a good thing.

     I'm feeling so intruded upon by all the sickness and death that have been my constant companion these last six years or so. I feel bad for feeling that way, knowing how selfish it is. I want to say " I want my life back" and quickly realize how much of a lie and an illusion that idea really is. The truth is this "life" never truly belonged to me in the first place. It can be taken from me and or anyone else I know and love at any time. Then I realize what a terrible intrusion sin was in this world. God never wanted any of this for man, he created paradise, but we are the ones who had to "do it our way", and this is the mess we end up with. So we've got this ugly, unwanted, uninvited guest at our party and he is trying to ruin it.
     No this life doesn't truly belong to me, but the eternal one, given to me by God, through Jesus Christ,does belong to me, and Satan can't touch that. In the meantime, he is doing his best to spread his misery around and yet through Christ, we rise above. He destroys our plans, and we find new purpose. He saps our energy, and we draw closer to the one who gives all strength. He brings us grief and mourning, and Christ pours out a song in our hearts. He destroys and shakes the world we stand on, and we find a sure foundation in God. He makes rubble out of our illusions, and we find wisdom. He brings death to our door, and God uses it to create new life, and shine out his perfect glory. And on and on it goes.

No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord. Romans 8:37-39

The Hands God Gave Me

These are the hands that God gave me. I have to admit that I haven't always been to pleased with them. For a girl who truly appreciates form, grace and beauty, I always felt like I was a bit short changed in that department. My hands are kind of short and stubby, with wide palms and pathetic nails. Of course now we have added age spots and scars to further add insult to injury. When I was a young girl, I remember often noticing my mother's hands  and telling her how beautiful I thought they were. She had long thin hands with beautiful nails and enjoyed wearing sparkly jewelry that showed them off.  As I grew I began to notice other girls hands, they all seemed prettier than mine and I began to find ways to camouflage mine. For instance in the teen years, I liked to wear my sleeves long, hanging to the point where they almost covered my hands and thereby, in my mind that is, making my hands appear smaller and more delicate. Also, as my friends began the years of beautifying themselves, with manicures and pretty rings and jewelry, I found I had nails that wouldn't grow and bracelets and rings brought attention to a part of me I felt was unacceptable. It's amazing how a little thing like this can just be another way you fill up your inner self with more proof that you are just not adequate. Of course, we who are blessed, mature past this point. We learn to value what has lasting value and leave behind, as best we can, the images the world give us of perfection. I learned to appreciate the incredible marvel of what hands are and can do, and reminded myself that having hands at all is a gift, something not everyone has. These are the hands that God gave me. They have stroked heads of old and young alike, they have prepared nourishing food for my family, they have held hands of children, husband, friends, grandchildren and parents, they have folded themselves in prayer, they have cooled feverish heads, washed dirty clothes, changed poopy pants, cleaned houses, dug in dirt, planted flowers,made clothing, sewn , knitted, played piano, raised themselves in praise, wiped tears, massaged hurting muscles, written encouragement and on and on I could go. Today, these hands clipped and filed the toenails of my father and massaged his very swollen feet and calves. While my hands massaged I prayed blessing and healing to this man I love. He can't do that for himself anymore, and I consider it all joy to be able to do this for him now. He has been such a wonderful father.
Oh young ones out there, do you have something you hate about yourself? Do not trouble yourself any longer. If you co-operate, He( our heavenly father) truly does make all things beautiful in His time. These are the hands that God gave me, they are beautiful, they are mine, and I wouldn't trade them.

40 Days is a Long Time

About 28 days ago, as some of my readers will remember, I felt led by God to have a late season of Lent. The sacrifice would be of computer games.  I thought I would update on how it's been going. First off, 40 days is longer than I realized. Though days, weeks and months do seem to fly by too quickly, when there is something that you miss everyday, it's surprising how long it can be. The fact that I feel a little hole and loss in my life over a computer game is something that I have let stew around in my psyche and heart. I've been asking God to show me what this means, and what does He want me to do about it. I realize that 40 days is long for a reason. I need the time to evaluate what I will do when the time is over. At first I might have said, I should never play those games, they are a total waste, but what I've realized is there is a time when it's okay to just be idle and relax and those games can sometimes fit the bill.  I don't need to be accomplishing something productive or meaningful all the time. That's been a help to realize that. But I also know, I used them for avoidance and procrastination. And the fact that I still miss them every day, shows me I still have to let go of the hold they have on me. I need to learn to lean into my given responsibilities. Embrace them for what they are, the very tools that God uses to mold and shape me into what I was created to be.  One of the really good things that is coming out of this is the letting go of an "agreement" I made about myself. I have said many times through the years, because of my past failings, that I'm just "not disciplined". I so bought into that lie about myself, that I no longer even tried to engage in "times of fasting or self denial". Yet that is certainly a part of the Christan walk. How victorious the enemy of our soul is when he has convinced us that we might as well not even try anymore. Well Jesus graciously has led me through this. I'm thankful that I can leave that lie about myself behind. That I can walk in greater faith before Him.. 10 days left of my 40 days, but I see victory in Jesus at the finish line.

This sweet little bunny is who I often share my morning coffee with. He can probably fit in the palm of my hand. Each morning as I drink my cup of coffee and look out my side door to check on the progress of my gardens, he is there munching away. He is one of my daily delights that causes me joy and a deep sense of satisfaction with my spot in life. He likes the front sidewalk garden. So do I. This time of year it's soft blues and violets and reflects the coolness of spring. Before the heat and warmth of the sun bring on all the vibrant pinks and sunny yellows these first flowers of spring speak of hope to me. My lilac tree is in full bloom. The fragrance lilting on the breeze and drifting in through the rustling lace of my curtains speak of home, and earth and all things good and pure. This characteristic of truly rejoicing and finding sweet contentment in the beautiful things of the earth comes from both of my parents. I'm so thankful that they passed this on to me, helped instill it in me and have nurtured it's growth in me. It draws us together in a hundred little ways and gives us a way to enjoy each other as loved and cherished friends as well as family.

This has been a week of many small delights that I have been savoring in my heart and finding myself full of joy and thankfulness to God and those who bring those delights my way. They have been varied, none earth shaking, but altogether they make a lovely life. Reconnecting with friends for a delightful evening, a friend who brings me a totally unexpected and for no reason present and it's just something I need, sharing deeply and intimately with wonderful women and feeling the richness and blessings of those relationships, sharing a romantic dinner and a fun weekend out of town with my hubby, holding hands while singing and driving down the road, taking some fantastic pictures, holding and kissing my very cute nephew, hearing the guidance of God, talking on the phone with my children and grandchildren and sharing some garden plants with my Dad. "And I think to myself, What a wonderful world."

My sister has given me a wonderful gift, in the last month. She brought me back to the place we grew up in, the playground of my youth. This is the woods behind the house I grew up in. It had as much to do with my formation as did growing in the womb. As I entered yesterday, immediately I felt a sense of it being a part of me, of home and of youth, of a letting go of the business of life and entering into rest and refreshment.

We picked our way through, locating the old paths, reminding ourselves of some of our old adventure and the silly things we used to do. For instance, picking snake grass and pretending we were smoking. How funny, that that would delight us so, and give us such a feeling of being grownup. We found the place we use to go across the creek on an old pipe. The younger ones scooching across on their fannies, and that sure sign of daring and maturity when you could walk across it like on a tightrope. They have put a brigde over it now, probably the age of lawsuits made them succumb. This is the place where we made up many tales of fantasy and played them out, where boys of the neighborhoods raced their minibikes that they built at home and would occasionally take us girls for a ride. This is where we learned about many animals, climbed our trees, made secret hiding places, hid buried tresures, had bonfires with our Dads in the fall, and ice skated in the winter and eventually had our first kisses and held hands with our first boyfriends. This is where the seasons of life were so fully formed in me that I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. I scoff at people who want to move south. To miss the beauty of and ice storm or that first fall of snows in the trees, the brilliant colors of the fall and the smell of molding leaves that have fallen and crunch beneath your feet. The warmth and love you feel by a campfire. The wonderful canopy of shade and cool on a hot summer day and the beauty and exitement you experience as you see the little green mist entering the forest after a cold winter. This is all home. This is the heart of me.

These are the pretty tulips I planted last fall. Such a delight to see them come up out of the ground and a reward for getting those bulbs in the ground last year rather than procrastinating until it's too late. I planted them by the birdbath that we got as a gift from friends after Ed's mom died last year. Nice to make another spot in my yard a little prettier than before and then have it turn your thoughts to someone you love.

Fasting

I've been asking God to let me hear from Him on a certain subject. It had to do with accepting a new task. I had an inkling that I might consider it, and yet I had just been telling friends recently, that most of the time I really just feel like I'm barely staying on top of my life. I have this mental "to do list" that is running in front of me all the time and I'm always trying to go after and achieve the top priority and there is a continual heavy sense of guilt that I drag around with me over all that get's left until next week. I mentioned this to the aforementioned friends, wondering "why" all the guilt, when mostly what I'm trying to do is be the kind of person that God wants me to be. I know God doesn't want my life to be one big "guilt trip" and these feelings came from a darker place that wants me to never experience joy.
So on the way to church yesterday, with these questions on my heart, I hear a little thought from God about Lent and fasting and I knew he was answering my concerns. Now I grew up Catholic, where much was made of Lent and "giving up something" for Lent was pretty much required. Well, I was lousy at it. I don't remember a single time making it through without failing at it. Each and every year I'd make the required promise and each and every year I would blow it. And each and every year I would feel the terrible guilt because I am now guilty of breaking a promise to God. I was pretty sure hell awaited me for that. Fast forward to my adult life. I'm now a protestant. They aren't quite so much into all the legal sacrifices. If you wanted to fast or give something up, it was suppossed to be out of a prompting of the heart and your love for God. No pressure, no prescribed times and dates. I secretely and happily said "goodbye to Lent for me" glad to throw off another activity that made me keenly aware of my short comings and learned to think of myself as "just not that disciplined" Then God does a funny thing. He gives me three daughters, who all grow up and start participating in Lent all on their own. No promptings from me, never much mentioned in the house and all on their own they begin entering times of fasting from things, or foods, or certain activities. And they are all able to complete it. Back comes the nagging guilt. "What's wrong with me", I think.
Well Lent came and went again this year, I didn't even consider giving it a nod, because I'm not that kind of person. Then yesterday God gives me this prompting "You know Karen, Lent doesn't have to be at a certain season. And don't you know that it is just away of helping you weed out the things that come in to your life and claim parts of you and steal a quality of life from you that I intended you to have" Immediately I thought of two different games that I play on the computer that I'm totally addicted to. Anytime I have a pause in my day, or anytime I don't want to tackle a job, I use them to fill my life and to distract myself from the fact that I have entered into the avoidance game. I know these games are a waste of my precious time, and yet I always want to work on that tomorrow. Well, Lent starts for me today. 40 days without my any computer games. May God have mercy on me. Just the fact that I have said "no" to the games, makes me realize how strong their pull is on me. I want to play and I want to play bad. Well, I'm not going to agree with that voice that tells me "I'm not a disciplined person" anymore. God will complete the good work he has begun in me. That is his word and I believe it.

Wonderful Spring has come on time in Michigan this year. Everyone bears the markings of it, a bigger smile on their face, and bit more enthusiasm for life, the readiness to throw off the old dreary and tired things and embrace new life, new challenges and the hope of the future. What a wonderful gift God gives us each year. It's a time to feel incredible thanksgiving for his creation, to appreciate it's magnificence once again, to enjoy the wonders of it. It's a time to feel hope about the future, to feel that sense that a new beginning lies ahead, just waiting for us to grab and take hold of it. It's a time when we want to throw open the windows of our lives, both literally and figuratively and feel alive and start anew, and express a song, put on those work clothes and tackle the task at hand.

I just wandered my garden and saw all the buds coming up, thankful that last year I did get those Tulips in the ground. My daughter and I have plans for a vegetable garden this year. New project, new addition to my life story. I've also spent a very consistent year working out with my sister and I've been able to do a little jogging. A year ago I would have said that's impossible. I'm mulling over the possibility of doing a 5k with her. New year, new me, new hope. Thank you God that the possibilities of life are new every morning, every season, every year.

I got to spend a little time catching up on some projects today. I made this cute grocery bag holder, after my daughter turned me on to a cute and easy pattern. She made one for her nursery, because it's nice to keep the grocery bags handy to seal up those stinky diapers. I will just have mine downstairs in the utility closet. The grocery bags were getting out of control down there and this will keep them organized and handy. If you want to make one for yourself, here is the link to the blog with the pattern: http://makeitandloveit.blogspot.com/ It's called the grocery bag holder.

Yesterday, I arrived home, happy and satisfied and slightly tired after a wonderful weekend at a friends farm/cottage up north. The smell of smoke lingered on my clothing and in my hair, the memory of the sounds of laughter of friends, the crunching of leaves, the honking of geese swirled in my mind. My cheeks were pink and my spirits felt alive and exhilarated after many hours in the wonderful Michigan outdoors.

Bob and Theresa own this farm on a lake up by Hart. It belonged to Bob's grandparents and he has inherited it. He and Theresa are lovingly restoring it one step at a time. The house has been charmingly fixed with a mix of modern amenities and period antiques. But what they are doing with the land is wonderful. I'm amazed at all they are investing into it in this labor of love. Yesterday we went up for a session of maple syrup making. Theresa takes on each of these new adventures with complete commitment and no intention of making this just a place of leisure. She's learned to tap the trees, collect the sap, the complete process of cooking and bottleing it. We were able to do this whole process yesterday. I can assure you now, that what you pay for pure maple syrup is really a great deal. She has also undertaken big gardens of fruit and vegetables, planting of rasberry bushes, pruning, restoring and cultivating a grouping of blueberry bushes, and their recent planting of a a new grove of pine trees. Bob loves all the work he gets to do up there with his big, earth moving equipment and building structures to help Theresa with her latest projects. On the weekends, after both of them have been busy with careers in the city, they head up to their farm, and undertake all this extra work. No sitting around for them in front of computers and TV just "chillin". They live and work hard and then invite friends and family to share in their bounty. I think they are on to the very best thing of all.

I was so blessed this morning in our worship service. Today was a morning dedicated to hope and healing for those who have suffered loss, hurt, set back ie... the whole congregation. Because sooner or later life is going to offer up somethings that hurt way more than anticipated and leave a person really reeling. The service was full of songs of hope, and scriptures that offered the word and truth of hope, and testimonies of hope despite overwhelming loss and finally the message that God truly can heal the broken hearted and bring new life where there was only loss. Our pastor gave a wonderful message that shared many instances of this word of life sustaining, transforming and healing the wounded and then he offered to annoint those with oil, who would like to receive healing. This tradition represents a faith in God, that despite whatever comes, we believe God for sustaining power, healing and true abiding joy. He gave an invitation to come forward, and since this is not a normal thing in our church the people didn't exactly rush forward. Up came one or two souls, and then another. More began coming forward and the line got longer. As each person would receive prayer, more and more came into line and finally another minister stepped in to assist with the prayer and annointing. Tears flowed from my pastors face as he prayed for his flock along with a good percentage of the people in the church. Since these people are my church family, I knew many of the stories. Loss of spouses and children, sickness and infirmities, broken homes and broken dreams. Loss of income and loss of self esteem. Loss of home and country and loss of innocence through abuse. These were just some of the stories I knew. There were many I was unfamiliar with. What was very evident was this: People everywhere carry within them stories of pain and loss and hardship. What was also evident was the life giving faith of the body of Christ. People came forward with strength and dignity and an affirmation in their posture, that God is good, that he sees us in our affliction, that he has a purpose for our sufferings, and that we may be down, but we are not out, because our God is faithful. As our service came to an end, people were on their feet, hands on the heart or in the air, tears of praise and thankfulness flowing down their faces singing " He gives and takes away, our hearts will choose to say, Blessed be the name of the Lord." Let all God's people say Amen.

Well I finished that knit scarf that I started in January with my friends in Maine. So fun to have learned a new skill, and great to have it completed. It's very soft and warm, and I'm going to enjoy wearing it because I'll not only be wrapping myself with warmth but also with the great memories that went into the creation of it. Who knows what my next knitting endeavor will be, probably a little scarf for Ellies American Girl doll. She is definitely campaigning for that one. Ed got a kick out of watching me knit, thought it made me very officially grandma looking, with the needles in my hand and my reading glasses perched on the end of my nose. I do what I can to keep him amused. I'll be on to something new and creative soon. Bought some fun material with my daughter today, to make a cute little holder for all the plastic trash bags. I'll put up a picture of that when I get it done. Isn't it fun to create?

By the way, this is me, now 20lbs thinner. My clean eating is working and I've met my second goal. I liked that this picture showed a little thinner face. Next goal, make that 25 lb mark. I'm excited!!!!

It's been one of those wonderful early spring weeks in Michigan, that tempt us all to believe the long winter is over and great weather is just around the corner. Of course we who have lived our many years here know, it is just a tease. As perennial as the flowers that grow in my gardens, there is always some early days in March, that are beautiful, warm and fill us with hope. Our neighbors begin popping out of their houses, walking their dogs, enjoying the warmth on their faces and not so harsh breeze in their hair, a friendly "hello" to all they encounter. Little children take off their coats, and beg their moms to let them wear shorts and women have a small compulsion to clean their windows. It's delightful to feel refreshed, excited and eager to embrace life. I've enjoyed crystal clear skies at night full of stars, sky's full of shades of pink and lavender in the morning, a window left open to let in some fresh air, the sound of some birds just outside, some crocuses popping their heads through the ground, and the buds on the trees plumping up before blooming. I know the cold, dreary, rainy days will be back soon and will stay longer than we like, but this week we're having a reprieve. This week my granddaughters and I got to play outside, take off our coats and roll in the grass. Life is Good.

Into everylife a little fun must fall.

Boy, I've been doom and gloom lately. My family has had a really tough year and it has taken it's toll on my attitude. Top that off, with a failing economy everywhere, so many friends and family really struggling, throw in a few global disasters, and you begin to feel that having fun is just in bad taste. I have found myself wanting to be reclusive, not really wanting to even engage in activities I would have normally found fun and doing a fair amount of reminiscing about the good ole days. My goodness, I'm acting old for my age. So I made today a "me" day, to get back a little perspective. I went out and spent over an hour at at the best sport store in town, and got me some wonderful new workout shoes, custom fitted for all my foot issues, with salesperson thrown in, who acted like her mission was to see that I was happy and comfortable in my shoes. Just the salesperson alone, was enough to make my day. I swung by the nail Salon on the way home and got myself a pedicure, with a funky red sparkly polish, and I'm finishing off my day with a massage at 8pm tonight. Life can be hard, but sometimes you just have to remember to add a little fun to it, even if you have to force yourself and schedule it in.

The theme of my blog this year, was supposed to be about me making an effort to live better. This week though, proved to more about just keeping my head above water. Started out, last weekend with me babysitting my 3 young grandchildren, while their parents were in Mexico. That of course takes extra strength, but I'm up for the task. While there however, my father got seriously ill, was put into intensive care and nearly died. A rollercoaster of a week ensued, constant time at the hospital, my sister flew in from Hawaii and became my houseguest, family emotions were at critical level, people were exhausted, some misunderstandings developed. Sometimes, I get a picture in my mind of what I think a well lived life should look like. I imagine the person I want to be, healthy, attractive, wise, giving, fun, balanced, educated, loving, unselfish etc, etc. Basically, being just so wonderful, that everyone who sees me, or is involved with me, would be inspired by me. (boy,does that sound vain) But sometimes, you've got to just get through, and try not to screw things up to much. There was no time to pursue goals this week. No one called to schedule this emergency ahead of time, and see if this was a good week for it or my schedule was clear, or if it would fit into my master plan. It was just life throwing us a giant curve ball, and trying not to be taken out of the game by it. We,(myself and my family) survived intact. Got a couple of bruises along the way, but played the game well.

Well I got through my tough week, dealt with my fears, pulled myself together, and tackled the problem like an intelligent person rather than emotionaly driven person. I spent a couple of days going over the details of my eating plan, seeing where I may have gotten a little lax, adding more vegetables and a little less starchy carbs, pumped up the intensity during my workouts, and voila' a 3 pound loss. That makes it 17 lbs. for the month. I'm pleased with myself and it shows I'm making progress. Each little bit forward helps me realize I can change my life for better.

I've also been hunkering down inside a little bit more, which for me usually means a lot of introspection. Since I'm bent to be that way, It can go a bit overboard really fast. I think about everything to the enth degree, until I find myself in a quagmire of confusion. I make goals for myself, and then worry I'm becoming too vain and self consumed. I've wanted to make improvements in my life because I believe that will help me make a more positive impact on the world around me, then I get concerned that I'm just being influenced by old insecurities that made me feel totally without value in this world. Ah, whats a girl to do?

This morning, after bible study, a old hymn popped into my head and has been with me all day. It's kind of funny how, even though I wasn't raised with these old hymns, and of course the language is kind of funny, and everyone now clamors for the new choruses, I find myself singing them to myself in sorrow and joy, faith and confusions. Today it was " How Firm a Foundation". It's got quite a few stanza's otherwise I'd post it. But it is such a rich description of how God has provided for our every need in his word and in his body and salvation. That nothing can happen to us, that he can't use for our benefit. That he will walk us through every season of our lives. It reminds me that I'm not just suppossed to let my mind run wild with thoughts and questions, but take them to him. He is such a wonderful, caring, and all sufficient God. Google that old hymn, and see if you are not enriched by the truths it offers.

Well, it's been a little harder this last week, hope wise that is. My weight has stayed the same all week, and I know that is going to happen, but it causes all the old fears and insecurities to pop up. Those feelings leave me feeling restless and unsettled and wanting something, anything to bring me some comfort, encouragement etc. And of course, you know where that usually leads, straight to the cookie jar. I have stayed the course, but within my mind and heart, feelings of failure are ever present, taunting me to "give up", and telling me "nothing will ever be different". As I write this, I know I need to take this to the Lord, believe him, lean on him, and ask him to fill my life with other thoughts and deeds to focus on while I'm on this journey. Just like when I exercise, I don't keep my eye on the LCD readout constantly watching my time. That makes it just seem longer and harder by the minute. Rather, I distract myself from the tediousness of the task and just keep going at it, and before you know it I'm done and feel better and succesfull. But I'm such an all in kind of person. The last few weeks, I've poured myself into learning this new way of eating, and it's taken alot of time and it was a little exhilarating. Now I need to put it that knowledge into practice, without obsessing on it all day. Because of course, it's just one part of being an all over better person. This is truly learning to live in a new way, and I need to accept, that there is a learning curve here, it doesn't all need to happen this week, but consistently doing the right thing, putting one foot in front of another, and staying on track, will in the end result in a better me. I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope......and I guess that isn't so bad.

One benefit of my new clean eating lifestyle, is that I am having a lot of fun cooking everynight, something I haven't felt in quite a long time. I feel my inner Rachael Ray manifesting herself each night, as I'm chopping my fresh vegetables and herbs and coming up with yet another dinner with higher nutritional value, experimenting with new grains and getting rid of all the stuff that did nothing for my body. Tonight, I did a rolled up Flank Steak, stuffed with spinach and pine nuts and served with a chopped greek salad. Loved it, and my Edwin now can't wait to see what's on the menu for the evening. Plus, it's causing me to do much more pre-planning. I have to say, it's given a lot of vitality to a part of my life, that seemed stale, old and tedious. so I'm pretty thankful. Plus, I've now lost 14 pounds, with a very minimal effort. I'm hope, hope, hoping, I can keep it up. It's hard to let go of the past, but I'm trying my hardest, and with each days success, I'm feeling I really might be able to make a life long transition.

Baby It's Cold Outside.

We've got a big storm coming and everyone is buzzing about it. Will school be out tomorrow, how many inches will we get, etc, etc? I personally love a big storm. Makes me feel like a little kid. I think there is only one way to face a big storm, and that is to embrace it. I just got back from a snowshoe outside and I can tell you there is nothing better than filling those lungs with cold, fresh air. So invigorating. All my senses come alive. Besides, what can be more fun, than putting on some bright colored mittens and a warm woolen scarf and checking out the great big beautiful outdoors. Plus when you come back in, it's time for hot cocoa, or in my case, my nice warm pot of homeade soup and bread, I made this afternoon. Come on people, bundle up and get out there. You're going to love it, I promise.

AHHHH! I HEAR VOICES.

I have this insidious little voice in my head that is constantly trying to get me to give into my comfort seeking, lazy, immediate gratification wanting person, that is not my better person. In my mind and heart, I desire to live at a level of excellence, or at least aiming toward that goal. This little voice however, is ever tempting me to take the easy way out, put off until later what could be done now, relax just a little, because after all I deserve it. Yesterday, my little voice was saying, "just take the day off" from excercise and I was having a nice little conversation with that inner voice. Then, I happened to glance through my past blogs over the last month and I was motivated afresh. That little voice is a big, fat liar. The suggestions may sound tempting, but they don't really represent what I want, or what I believe. And when I have these little conversations with "the voice", then I'm helping it have more power in my life. So I resolve to reflect regularly on my personal mission statement, and smack down any thing that comes into my mind, that doesn't help me achieve said purposes. Goodbye little naughty voice.
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" 2 Corinthians 10: 5

Yesterday was Book Club day. Oh, how I love that. We gather once a month, they're my neighbors, friends, and daughter. Young and old together, with our warm drinks cupped in our hand, the occasional child or baby running/crawling through. Our love of books, take us on journeys all over the world, through different times, and cultures, joys, grief, sorrows, struggles,laughter and pain. Through them we share our opinions on marriage and motherhood, womenhood, civil rights, disease, poverty and injustice, prejudice and politics, courage and fear. We learn from each other, laugh and sometimes cry, and share our personal histories. I never cease to be amazed at the richness that dwells within women, when they are given the opportunity to sit relax and stay awhile.

This week, after studing in the book of Esther, I have been thinking alot about the power of words. In this particular story, Kings speak, and entire cultures of peoples lives are change, and not always with a lot of forethought from the one who wields these incredible powers. I think it's often easy to not take seriously, what comes out of our mouth. Because, words are invisible, we don't see how they land on people and make impact. I'm trying to picture the words coming out of my mouth now, as living entities, landing upon the hearer, whether physical or spiritual, making an impact, spreading a mood, bringing either light, life and love, or anger, harm and destruction. Speaker and listener take note.

Today, we had a muslim woman attending our christian bible study while learning about Esther, a jewish woman in a hostile world. Our small communities are becoming so much more linked with the whole world, it's pretty amazing. It's also a challenge. It's so much more important to weigh your words carefully before they come out of your mouth. To realize, that everyone around you doesn't see the world through your eyes, and that what may seem insignificant to us, could have a very positive or detrimental affect. I found myself listening to the stories, that I've heard hundreds of times, and trying to think what the words might convey to someone who had never heard them. I realized, some of it could be rather shocking or disturbing, and what I thought was an obvious message, could be totally lost on someone else. How much we all must learn to rely on, and walk with God, moment by moment, in this ever changing world.

I also met with my little mentor child today. What fun it's been to see her growth over the last four years. I'm so glad, I followed the spirits leading on that, when the opportunity first arose. I so often, let my busy schedule, talk me out of making long term commitments but God prompted me heavily, so I couldn't really say "no". When I first met her, I could see a life of failure ahead. Her problems were overwhelming, and couldn't imagine her being able to rise above them. But she is doing so well now in school, and each week gives me the opportunity to pour a little something positive into her life, that she might not get elsewhere. And though it is just a small thing to do, in one small child, when you realize, that each week, in every district across the whole nation, people like me are working with children like Shayna, and making the world a better place, one person at a time there is a great feeling of hope. Never underestimate the power of doing a little good in your small corner of the world.

I can't tell you how excited I am about this clean eating. It's just going really well and I'm feeling great. I felt,when I looked in the mirror yesterday,that my eyes and skin looked clearer and healthier. Plus, I'm feeling so much more in control of my food desires. Last night, played cards with friends, where drinks and snacks were served, and I just kept to my plan. I was so satisfied after my healthy dinner, I had no need for anything but my glass of water. I've noticed when people are around me and eat something I really liked, like cookies or candy, I'll have a hint of craving at first from the aroma, but then I take a deep breath, and a large gulp of water and it subsides immediately. I've lost 9 lbs and haven't once counted calories or gone hungry. My husband feels anxious before each meal, feeling sure he is not going to like it, and at the end finds himself thanking me effusively for not only a great meal, but also for taking such good care of him. And his weight is dropping also.
Had a wonderful morning of worship and community at our church. The young people led the praise, and seeing their enthusiasm was heart lightening. The youth pastor spoke, as they often do, very much from the heart. Talked about fully embracing God, leaving at his feet all the things that burden, or worry or hold us back from following Him completely. What a great plan God had, when he told us to gather together to worship and sing, and pray and enjoy each and every unique person that is part of our fellowship. It's always a vitamin booster for the soul, before you go in to the new week.

So today is Saturday. There is nothing pressing on the calendar. It's cold out and I've had a very busy 10 days. So I'm faced with a challenge. My natural inclination is to stay in my jammies, hunker down with books and magazines and totally veg out. But I need to ask myself, "Who do I want to be" I want to be healthy, vital, spiritual, giving, interesting and productive. This does not come from mindless veging.(is that a word?) Since my time is valuable, I need to make my time count. So a little relaxing is good, a day of it, not so much. Plus it will just make my hip hurt. So I'm up and off to live and be the kind of person I admire. Look out Saturday, here I come.

I'm back from my Maine trip. Ended up being one day longer because of cancelled flights, due to weather. Turned out to be a real blessing. Had a day for a photo shoot. Anyone who knows me, knows I'm generally a pretty even tempered person, don't get overly excited or upset about most things, but hand me a camera, and some specatacular scenery, and I'm as giddy as a school girl going to her very first party. Coming upon a new scene, I'm prone to jump up and down, throw my arms open, and giggle with glee. I can't describe to you how happy I am taking pictures. So picture the bright blue sky, icy blue Atlantic ocean, black rocky cliffs, snow white surf and the charming Cape Elizabeth Lighthouse, for added charm. Throw in my oldest, dearest friend, and I've got an almost perfect day. I can't say perfect, because my honey wasn't there and that would make him sad.

Well, I decided to plunge in and embrace the clean eating movement. It's taken me a number of hours, to do some initial learning, make my list and do the grocery shopping. But I feel excited and confidant I can do this. In just one week, I lost 5 pounds, and never had any cravings. That's major, and I loved everything I ate. And the grocery bill wasn't bad at all. Though the things I was buying were a bit more expensive, take away all the junk, and given that these are much more filling choices, thus needing less, it all washed out. So thankful my hubby was willing to embrace this new way of eating.

I'm visiting my girlfriend in Maine. She told me before I came that she was now "clean eating" which I thought would translate in to starvation, no taste eating. Boy was I wrong, I've spent 3 days without any sugar, flour, or anything processed at all. It has been tasteful, satisfying and amazingly flavorful. I would have thought I could never take this kind of radical eating style on, but now I'm considering it. Moral of the story, don't be a naysayer before you have given something a chance.

Next item on my thoughts is to extend yourself generously to others anytime you have an opportunity. I have been on the receiving end of some very gracious warmth and hospitality from people who I barely know and live 100's of miles from me and I tell you, it feels so nice. I don't think I have ever been so lovingly treated by people who are almost strangers in my whole life. I always think people aren't interested in getting to know people they won't be involved with. Of course that is definitely one of the problems with my personality, but I'm going to aim to be more open to all of life's possibilities and people. It opens up my heart, mind and soul. Women are immensely varied and interesting people to know. They add so much to my life in all the many forms and types they come in. This week I've learned to knit and clean eat. Who knows who or what is around the corner for me next?

One thing I have learned in my 50 some years, is that when life throws you an oppurtunity, if at all possible, take it. Last week, I was on the phone with my girlfriend, and she said, can you come out next week, and I said yes. Clear some of the schedule and make it work. So I'm off to a week of fun time, relaxing, getting together with her friends, some snowshoeing and I'm going to learn to knit. Plus , My girlfriend has been taking some college classes in photography, so she and I are going to go out with our camera's, and she'll be sharing some of her knowledge with me. It took me all these years to be able to say "yes" to things like that, rather than live in my life of excuses, fear and "I can't" attitude. I know my life has become so much richer because of that, and this particular friend has been God's gift to me, in helping me learn this. So probably soon I'll be wearing a new hand knitted by me, scarf. Fun Fun.

I did an hour of yoga yesterday, trying to do something to overcome my hip issues. My pelvis is out of allignment and I've been in a lot of pain. Unfortunately, that didn't do the trick, however along with the pain I know have a lot of sore muscles to boot. Everything must have a cost, I guess. Not feeling particularly fabulous, but while taking it easy today, I spread some good cheer to my sister and read most of a good book. So not a total waste of time. Please God help my hip to be better soon, this is taking it's toll. It's probably good, to think in terms of how it's been for my Dad this last few years, suffering from chronic pain. It makes me worry that that might be my future. Well, I'm down right inspirational today.

I said it would happen, and it has. I feel like a big ole slug, Don't want to be excellent or accomplish anything. HOWEVER, I'm going to go get my buns moving, right now and see if I can turn this mood around. I'll let you know.

Purposeful

Well, after last weeks major house overhaul, I find this week there is definitely less physical work to do around here. That means I have to be alot more purposeful to find ways to move my body and that usually means down right exercise, and that's not always so motivating. I'm getting in my regular routines, but then I don't want to just add more just to get my physical activity up.. It shows, that I need to make moving daily alot more part of a regular routine. Whether that means adding classes, sports or play dates, I just will have to think on that. I hate to many appt's in my life. Arghhh. Change, so not easy. Anyways the cleaning lady didn't show up yesterday, so I waited until today, thinking she might, but alas no sign of her. I was actually happy, because that allowed me to clean myself, plus gave me extra movement. I'm sick, I know, but I'd actually rather clean, then lets say, have a yoga class to go to. Anyways, I'm off to spend the day with my girls and grandbabies, and teach my daughter some sewing.

Well as I woke to the day this morning, I have to admit my first thoughts were " Surely, I can't keep up this model of trying to live well for another week. :-)" Frankly I was exhausted, and longed to go back to my slow meandering through any day that I don't have to blast off somewhere to. However, I know after the eupohria of week one, this is really where the rubber meets the road. Better living will really boil down to developing habits of good and purposeful living everyday. So I'm off to conquer this Monday, with my "to do" list in my hand, my cucumber water prepared, my strawberry melon smoothie filling my tummy and a "Can Do" attitude. Week Two here I come.

I had a great week and feel proud of how I lived it. Managed to get in exercise 6 days this week, one being snowshoeing with my husband today. It feels great to break out of the ordinary routine. Plus I was able to enjoy one of my favorite hobbies, taking pictures of the great and beautiful outdoors. Loving my new book "The Divine Conspiracy" Makes me think, good for my brain to get a little exercise also. Off now to practice the piano.

I've been thinking alot this week, about what "better living" is really going to be all about for me, because in a all honesty, I already live pretty well. That is to say, I'm reasonably balanced. Each and every week I stay connected with a large family, I give to the community through volunteering, I use my spiritual gifts in a church body, I read, stay connected to world issues, balance a number of close friendships and find time for fun, exercise, household work and a variety of hobbies. Yet despite this, despite the fact that I have managed my life reasonably well, I don't really seem to make much of an impact on people, except in my closest circle of life. If I don't manage to leave this planet, leaving the fragrance of Christ in my wake, being a conduit of the life giving light that Christ has bestowed on me, than I haven't lived up to my purpose which I was created for. Glorify Christ with my life, in whatever I do. With that goal in mind, I want to make improvements in my life, tackle problems that entangle me, use my time more productively, continually improve my mind and talents and hopefully in the process, don't become totally self centered. Ahhh, life can be so complicated.
So with all that introspection aside, what have I done better this week? Well, I added more beauty through music, and turned off the TV more. I moved and exercised more and in the process kept my little household tasks more up to date. I treated my husband to a new recipe. I walked with my husband holding hands in the dark snowy streets of my neighborhood, I played the piano while my mother sang, I gave my father a pedicure, I started a new book on theology, and was able to give a scarf and gloves to a person I came upon who had none. That was just in the little moments in my life between the regular responsibilities. And I found I really like trying to live better every day. Of course, I know, I know, It's day 4 of a new year. May God have mercy on me and help me to continue.

BodyBug

I've got a Body Bug (you know those things they wear on The Biggest Loser) and I love it. Reason being, that it is very motivating to just plain keep moving. Because it all adds up. My goal has been to try to burn 2800 cals. a day. Now on a day with a workout in I usually get to about 2600 and I have to go above and beyond housework to get it up to 2800. One of my personal downfalls is that so many of the extracurriculars I do involve sitting. I'm a big reader and scrapbooker, I enjoyed getting together with friends and talking, I play around on the computer and work with pictures alot. I sew, I tutor, I mentor, I play the piano, all of the above are done on my rear end. Well, in my effort to live better, I've been adding little jobs to my regular routine and they are really adding up. For instance, last night, in stead of just doing the dishes, I also cleaned and reorganized several drawers in my kitchen. Anyways, I went over 3000 burned calories yesterday. First time ever! So now I'm going to regularly think about the fact, that every extra little job I do, helps me become a healthier person. Plus, the more active I am, the less obsessed I am with snacking.....

Blogger Brain

I've worked hard the last two days, but my brain has been obsesively blogging all day. I hope that stops. I don't want to constantly be thinking about what I'll say, however if that could be motivation to keep me going forward on this path, then I'll take it. My usual modas operandi is get on a bandwagon, stay about two weeks, get sick of it, jump off, feel guilty about jumping off, avoid anyone who knows about the bandwagon, promise to get back on, begin to hate the bandwagon, turn my back on it and look for another better bandwagon to get on. One that will be more interesting and fun. This is one of many traits about myself I would like to overcome. More about that later, anywhooooo, I have had a couple of heavy duty clean and organzize days. Just like everyone else, I'm cleaning up after the holidays. That in itself is not to inspiring. However I did a few things that I felt for me were better than average. I got in a couple of great workouts, thanks to my faithful workout buddy Cici, I drank 8 glasses of water each day, but to make it a little more special, I added cucumber yesterday and orange slices today. Very spa of me. I found a classical music station, programmed it to favorites and listened to that all day while I worked and when I finally sat down at about 4:30 today, I spent 45 minutes playing the piano. My body is tired and sore in a good way and I'm off to soak in my hot tub.

Here We Go.

I've always said that I'm sure my life would be better if I had a soundtrack to go with it. You know, you're at a movie, and the music swells as the hero or heroine face their challenges, and somehow they manage to live at a level that they hadn't been at before. I want that for my life. I want my everydays to be a bit more inspirational for those I travel this journey with. So with that in mind, this is my attempt to journal about the journey I'm going to take in 2010, to live better than I have in the past, live as if perhaps I'm a heroine in a wonderful novel, that my life is being watched and might make a difference for the good.