The Hands God Gave Me

These are the hands that God gave me. I have to admit that I haven't always been to pleased with them. For a girl who truly appreciates form, grace and beauty, I always felt like I was a bit short changed in that department. My hands are kind of short and stubby, with wide palms and pathetic nails. Of course now we have added age spots and scars to further add insult to injury. When I was a young girl, I remember often noticing my mother's hands  and telling her how beautiful I thought they were. She had long thin hands with beautiful nails and enjoyed wearing sparkly jewelry that showed them off.  As I grew I began to notice other girls hands, they all seemed prettier than mine and I began to find ways to camouflage mine. For instance in the teen years, I liked to wear my sleeves long, hanging to the point where they almost covered my hands and thereby, in my mind that is, making my hands appear smaller and more delicate. Also, as my friends began the years of beautifying themselves, with manicures and pretty rings and jewelry, I found I had nails that wouldn't grow and bracelets and rings brought attention to a part of me I felt was unacceptable. It's amazing how a little thing like this can just be another way you fill up your inner self with more proof that you are just not adequate. Of course, we who are blessed, mature past this point. We learn to value what has lasting value and leave behind, as best we can, the images the world give us of perfection. I learned to appreciate the incredible marvel of what hands are and can do, and reminded myself that having hands at all is a gift, something not everyone has. These are the hands that God gave me. They have stroked heads of old and young alike, they have prepared nourishing food for my family, they have held hands of children, husband, friends, grandchildren and parents, they have folded themselves in prayer, they have cooled feverish heads, washed dirty clothes, changed poopy pants, cleaned houses, dug in dirt, planted flowers,made clothing, sewn , knitted, played piano, raised themselves in praise, wiped tears, massaged hurting muscles, written encouragement and on and on I could go. Today, these hands clipped and filed the toenails of my father and massaged his very swollen feet and calves. While my hands massaged I prayed blessing and healing to this man I love. He can't do that for himself anymore, and I consider it all joy to be able to do this for him now. He has been such a wonderful father.
Oh young ones out there, do you have something you hate about yourself? Do not trouble yourself any longer. If you co-operate, He( our heavenly father) truly does make all things beautiful in His time. These are the hands that God gave me, they are beautiful, they are mine, and I wouldn't trade them.

40 Days is a Long Time

About 28 days ago, as some of my readers will remember, I felt led by God to have a late season of Lent. The sacrifice would be of computer games.  I thought I would update on how it's been going. First off, 40 days is longer than I realized. Though days, weeks and months do seem to fly by too quickly, when there is something that you miss everyday, it's surprising how long it can be. The fact that I feel a little hole and loss in my life over a computer game is something that I have let stew around in my psyche and heart. I've been asking God to show me what this means, and what does He want me to do about it. I realize that 40 days is long for a reason. I need the time to evaluate what I will do when the time is over. At first I might have said, I should never play those games, they are a total waste, but what I've realized is there is a time when it's okay to just be idle and relax and those games can sometimes fit the bill.  I don't need to be accomplishing something productive or meaningful all the time. That's been a help to realize that. But I also know, I used them for avoidance and procrastination. And the fact that I still miss them every day, shows me I still have to let go of the hold they have on me. I need to learn to lean into my given responsibilities. Embrace them for what they are, the very tools that God uses to mold and shape me into what I was created to be.  One of the really good things that is coming out of this is the letting go of an "agreement" I made about myself. I have said many times through the years, because of my past failings, that I'm just "not disciplined". I so bought into that lie about myself, that I no longer even tried to engage in "times of fasting or self denial". Yet that is certainly a part of the Christan walk. How victorious the enemy of our soul is when he has convinced us that we might as well not even try anymore. Well Jesus graciously has led me through this. I'm thankful that I can leave that lie about myself behind. That I can walk in greater faith before Him.. 10 days left of my 40 days, but I see victory in Jesus at the finish line.

This sweet little bunny is who I often share my morning coffee with. He can probably fit in the palm of my hand. Each morning as I drink my cup of coffee and look out my side door to check on the progress of my gardens, he is there munching away. He is one of my daily delights that causes me joy and a deep sense of satisfaction with my spot in life. He likes the front sidewalk garden. So do I. This time of year it's soft blues and violets and reflects the coolness of spring. Before the heat and warmth of the sun bring on all the vibrant pinks and sunny yellows these first flowers of spring speak of hope to me. My lilac tree is in full bloom. The fragrance lilting on the breeze and drifting in through the rustling lace of my curtains speak of home, and earth and all things good and pure. This characteristic of truly rejoicing and finding sweet contentment in the beautiful things of the earth comes from both of my parents. I'm so thankful that they passed this on to me, helped instill it in me and have nurtured it's growth in me. It draws us together in a hundred little ways and gives us a way to enjoy each other as loved and cherished friends as well as family.

This has been a week of many small delights that I have been savoring in my heart and finding myself full of joy and thankfulness to God and those who bring those delights my way. They have been varied, none earth shaking, but altogether they make a lovely life. Reconnecting with friends for a delightful evening, a friend who brings me a totally unexpected and for no reason present and it's just something I need, sharing deeply and intimately with wonderful women and feeling the richness and blessings of those relationships, sharing a romantic dinner and a fun weekend out of town with my hubby, holding hands while singing and driving down the road, taking some fantastic pictures, holding and kissing my very cute nephew, hearing the guidance of God, talking on the phone with my children and grandchildren and sharing some garden plants with my Dad. "And I think to myself, What a wonderful world."

My sister has given me a wonderful gift, in the last month. She brought me back to the place we grew up in, the playground of my youth. This is the woods behind the house I grew up in. It had as much to do with my formation as did growing in the womb. As I entered yesterday, immediately I felt a sense of it being a part of me, of home and of youth, of a letting go of the business of life and entering into rest and refreshment.

We picked our way through, locating the old paths, reminding ourselves of some of our old adventure and the silly things we used to do. For instance, picking snake grass and pretending we were smoking. How funny, that that would delight us so, and give us such a feeling of being grownup. We found the place we use to go across the creek on an old pipe. The younger ones scooching across on their fannies, and that sure sign of daring and maturity when you could walk across it like on a tightrope. They have put a brigde over it now, probably the age of lawsuits made them succumb. This is the place where we made up many tales of fantasy and played them out, where boys of the neighborhoods raced their minibikes that they built at home and would occasionally take us girls for a ride. This is where we learned about many animals, climbed our trees, made secret hiding places, hid buried tresures, had bonfires with our Dads in the fall, and ice skated in the winter and eventually had our first kisses and held hands with our first boyfriends. This is where the seasons of life were so fully formed in me that I couldn't imagine living anywhere else. I scoff at people who want to move south. To miss the beauty of and ice storm or that first fall of snows in the trees, the brilliant colors of the fall and the smell of molding leaves that have fallen and crunch beneath your feet. The warmth and love you feel by a campfire. The wonderful canopy of shade and cool on a hot summer day and the beauty and exitement you experience as you see the little green mist entering the forest after a cold winter. This is all home. This is the heart of me.

These are the pretty tulips I planted last fall. Such a delight to see them come up out of the ground and a reward for getting those bulbs in the ground last year rather than procrastinating until it's too late. I planted them by the birdbath that we got as a gift from friends after Ed's mom died last year. Nice to make another spot in my yard a little prettier than before and then have it turn your thoughts to someone you love.

Fasting

I've been asking God to let me hear from Him on a certain subject. It had to do with accepting a new task. I had an inkling that I might consider it, and yet I had just been telling friends recently, that most of the time I really just feel like I'm barely staying on top of my life. I have this mental "to do list" that is running in front of me all the time and I'm always trying to go after and achieve the top priority and there is a continual heavy sense of guilt that I drag around with me over all that get's left until next week. I mentioned this to the aforementioned friends, wondering "why" all the guilt, when mostly what I'm trying to do is be the kind of person that God wants me to be. I know God doesn't want my life to be one big "guilt trip" and these feelings came from a darker place that wants me to never experience joy.
So on the way to church yesterday, with these questions on my heart, I hear a little thought from God about Lent and fasting and I knew he was answering my concerns. Now I grew up Catholic, where much was made of Lent and "giving up something" for Lent was pretty much required. Well, I was lousy at it. I don't remember a single time making it through without failing at it. Each and every year I'd make the required promise and each and every year I would blow it. And each and every year I would feel the terrible guilt because I am now guilty of breaking a promise to God. I was pretty sure hell awaited me for that. Fast forward to my adult life. I'm now a protestant. They aren't quite so much into all the legal sacrifices. If you wanted to fast or give something up, it was suppossed to be out of a prompting of the heart and your love for God. No pressure, no prescribed times and dates. I secretely and happily said "goodbye to Lent for me" glad to throw off another activity that made me keenly aware of my short comings and learned to think of myself as "just not that disciplined" Then God does a funny thing. He gives me three daughters, who all grow up and start participating in Lent all on their own. No promptings from me, never much mentioned in the house and all on their own they begin entering times of fasting from things, or foods, or certain activities. And they are all able to complete it. Back comes the nagging guilt. "What's wrong with me", I think.
Well Lent came and went again this year, I didn't even consider giving it a nod, because I'm not that kind of person. Then yesterday God gives me this prompting "You know Karen, Lent doesn't have to be at a certain season. And don't you know that it is just away of helping you weed out the things that come in to your life and claim parts of you and steal a quality of life from you that I intended you to have" Immediately I thought of two different games that I play on the computer that I'm totally addicted to. Anytime I have a pause in my day, or anytime I don't want to tackle a job, I use them to fill my life and to distract myself from the fact that I have entered into the avoidance game. I know these games are a waste of my precious time, and yet I always want to work on that tomorrow. Well, Lent starts for me today. 40 days without my any computer games. May God have mercy on me. Just the fact that I have said "no" to the games, makes me realize how strong their pull is on me. I want to play and I want to play bad. Well, I'm not going to agree with that voice that tells me "I'm not a disciplined person" anymore. God will complete the good work he has begun in me. That is his word and I believe it.