The theme of my blog this year, was supposed to be about me making an effort to live better. This week though, proved to more about just keeping my head above water. Started out, last weekend with me babysitting my 3 young grandchildren, while their parents were in Mexico. That of course takes extra strength, but I'm up for the task. While there however, my father got seriously ill, was put into intensive care and nearly died. A rollercoaster of a week ensued, constant time at the hospital, my sister flew in from Hawaii and became my houseguest, family emotions were at critical level, people were exhausted, some misunderstandings developed. Sometimes, I get a picture in my mind of what I think a well lived life should look like. I imagine the person I want to be, healthy, attractive, wise, giving, fun, balanced, educated, loving, unselfish etc, etc. Basically, being just so wonderful, that everyone who sees me, or is involved with me, would be inspired by me. (boy,does that sound vain) But sometimes, you've got to just get through, and try not to screw things up to much. There was no time to pursue goals this week. No one called to schedule this emergency ahead of time, and see if this was a good week for it or my schedule was clear, or if it would fit into my master plan. It was just life throwing us a giant curve ball, and trying not to be taken out of the game by it. We,(myself and my family) survived intact. Got a couple of bruises along the way, but played the game well.

Well I got through my tough week, dealt with my fears, pulled myself together, and tackled the problem like an intelligent person rather than emotionaly driven person. I spent a couple of days going over the details of my eating plan, seeing where I may have gotten a little lax, adding more vegetables and a little less starchy carbs, pumped up the intensity during my workouts, and voila' a 3 pound loss. That makes it 17 lbs. for the month. I'm pleased with myself and it shows I'm making progress. Each little bit forward helps me realize I can change my life for better.

I've also been hunkering down inside a little bit more, which for me usually means a lot of introspection. Since I'm bent to be that way, It can go a bit overboard really fast. I think about everything to the enth degree, until I find myself in a quagmire of confusion. I make goals for myself, and then worry I'm becoming too vain and self consumed. I've wanted to make improvements in my life because I believe that will help me make a more positive impact on the world around me, then I get concerned that I'm just being influenced by old insecurities that made me feel totally without value in this world. Ah, whats a girl to do?

This morning, after bible study, a old hymn popped into my head and has been with me all day. It's kind of funny how, even though I wasn't raised with these old hymns, and of course the language is kind of funny, and everyone now clamors for the new choruses, I find myself singing them to myself in sorrow and joy, faith and confusions. Today it was " How Firm a Foundation". It's got quite a few stanza's otherwise I'd post it. But it is such a rich description of how God has provided for our every need in his word and in his body and salvation. That nothing can happen to us, that he can't use for our benefit. That he will walk us through every season of our lives. It reminds me that I'm not just suppossed to let my mind run wild with thoughts and questions, but take them to him. He is such a wonderful, caring, and all sufficient God. Google that old hymn, and see if you are not enriched by the truths it offers.

Well, it's been a little harder this last week, hope wise that is. My weight has stayed the same all week, and I know that is going to happen, but it causes all the old fears and insecurities to pop up. Those feelings leave me feeling restless and unsettled and wanting something, anything to bring me some comfort, encouragement etc. And of course, you know where that usually leads, straight to the cookie jar. I have stayed the course, but within my mind and heart, feelings of failure are ever present, taunting me to "give up", and telling me "nothing will ever be different". As I write this, I know I need to take this to the Lord, believe him, lean on him, and ask him to fill my life with other thoughts and deeds to focus on while I'm on this journey. Just like when I exercise, I don't keep my eye on the LCD readout constantly watching my time. That makes it just seem longer and harder by the minute. Rather, I distract myself from the tediousness of the task and just keep going at it, and before you know it I'm done and feel better and succesfull. But I'm such an all in kind of person. The last few weeks, I've poured myself into learning this new way of eating, and it's taken alot of time and it was a little exhilarating. Now I need to put it that knowledge into practice, without obsessing on it all day. Because of course, it's just one part of being an all over better person. This is truly learning to live in a new way, and I need to accept, that there is a learning curve here, it doesn't all need to happen this week, but consistently doing the right thing, putting one foot in front of another, and staying on track, will in the end result in a better me. I hope, I hope, I hope, I hope......and I guess that isn't so bad.

One benefit of my new clean eating lifestyle, is that I am having a lot of fun cooking everynight, something I haven't felt in quite a long time. I feel my inner Rachael Ray manifesting herself each night, as I'm chopping my fresh vegetables and herbs and coming up with yet another dinner with higher nutritional value, experimenting with new grains and getting rid of all the stuff that did nothing for my body. Tonight, I did a rolled up Flank Steak, stuffed with spinach and pine nuts and served with a chopped greek salad. Loved it, and my Edwin now can't wait to see what's on the menu for the evening. Plus, it's causing me to do much more pre-planning. I have to say, it's given a lot of vitality to a part of my life, that seemed stale, old and tedious. so I'm pretty thankful. Plus, I've now lost 14 pounds, with a very minimal effort. I'm hope, hope, hoping, I can keep it up. It's hard to let go of the past, but I'm trying my hardest, and with each days success, I'm feeling I really might be able to make a life long transition.

Baby It's Cold Outside.

We've got a big storm coming and everyone is buzzing about it. Will school be out tomorrow, how many inches will we get, etc, etc? I personally love a big storm. Makes me feel like a little kid. I think there is only one way to face a big storm, and that is to embrace it. I just got back from a snowshoe outside and I can tell you there is nothing better than filling those lungs with cold, fresh air. So invigorating. All my senses come alive. Besides, what can be more fun, than putting on some bright colored mittens and a warm woolen scarf and checking out the great big beautiful outdoors. Plus when you come back in, it's time for hot cocoa, or in my case, my nice warm pot of homeade soup and bread, I made this afternoon. Come on people, bundle up and get out there. You're going to love it, I promise.

AHHHH! I HEAR VOICES.

I have this insidious little voice in my head that is constantly trying to get me to give into my comfort seeking, lazy, immediate gratification wanting person, that is not my better person. In my mind and heart, I desire to live at a level of excellence, or at least aiming toward that goal. This little voice however, is ever tempting me to take the easy way out, put off until later what could be done now, relax just a little, because after all I deserve it. Yesterday, my little voice was saying, "just take the day off" from excercise and I was having a nice little conversation with that inner voice. Then, I happened to glance through my past blogs over the last month and I was motivated afresh. That little voice is a big, fat liar. The suggestions may sound tempting, but they don't really represent what I want, or what I believe. And when I have these little conversations with "the voice", then I'm helping it have more power in my life. So I resolve to reflect regularly on my personal mission statement, and smack down any thing that comes into my mind, that doesn't help me achieve said purposes. Goodbye little naughty voice.
"We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ" 2 Corinthians 10: 5

Yesterday was Book Club day. Oh, how I love that. We gather once a month, they're my neighbors, friends, and daughter. Young and old together, with our warm drinks cupped in our hand, the occasional child or baby running/crawling through. Our love of books, take us on journeys all over the world, through different times, and cultures, joys, grief, sorrows, struggles,laughter and pain. Through them we share our opinions on marriage and motherhood, womenhood, civil rights, disease, poverty and injustice, prejudice and politics, courage and fear. We learn from each other, laugh and sometimes cry, and share our personal histories. I never cease to be amazed at the richness that dwells within women, when they are given the opportunity to sit relax and stay awhile.

This week, after studing in the book of Esther, I have been thinking alot about the power of words. In this particular story, Kings speak, and entire cultures of peoples lives are change, and not always with a lot of forethought from the one who wields these incredible powers. I think it's often easy to not take seriously, what comes out of our mouth. Because, words are invisible, we don't see how they land on people and make impact. I'm trying to picture the words coming out of my mouth now, as living entities, landing upon the hearer, whether physical or spiritual, making an impact, spreading a mood, bringing either light, life and love, or anger, harm and destruction. Speaker and listener take note.

Today, we had a muslim woman attending our christian bible study while learning about Esther, a jewish woman in a hostile world. Our small communities are becoming so much more linked with the whole world, it's pretty amazing. It's also a challenge. It's so much more important to weigh your words carefully before they come out of your mouth. To realize, that everyone around you doesn't see the world through your eyes, and that what may seem insignificant to us, could have a very positive or detrimental affect. I found myself listening to the stories, that I've heard hundreds of times, and trying to think what the words might convey to someone who had never heard them. I realized, some of it could be rather shocking or disturbing, and what I thought was an obvious message, could be totally lost on someone else. How much we all must learn to rely on, and walk with God, moment by moment, in this ever changing world.

I also met with my little mentor child today. What fun it's been to see her growth over the last four years. I'm so glad, I followed the spirits leading on that, when the opportunity first arose. I so often, let my busy schedule, talk me out of making long term commitments but God prompted me heavily, so I couldn't really say "no". When I first met her, I could see a life of failure ahead. Her problems were overwhelming, and couldn't imagine her being able to rise above them. But she is doing so well now in school, and each week gives me the opportunity to pour a little something positive into her life, that she might not get elsewhere. And though it is just a small thing to do, in one small child, when you realize, that each week, in every district across the whole nation, people like me are working with children like Shayna, and making the world a better place, one person at a time there is a great feeling of hope. Never underestimate the power of doing a little good in your small corner of the world.